I can recall the first time I felt abandon it was when I was nine and my parents decided to call it quits. My mom moved back home with my grandmother until she found a place of her own.One day my father comes by to see us and instead of him taking us with him we were headed to my mom’s car. I didn’t understand because he was supposed to becoming to get us. I began to cry out for him (I mean that ugly cry) and all he did was walk away. My cries/screams began to get louder as I watch my father get in his car from my mother backseat window. Why didn’t he come back for me?Why didn’t he love me? How could he not fight for me? My sister in my ear telling me to shut up, stop crying that my father isn’t coming back and that he doesn’t want me. From that day forward I looked at my Father differently and my days crying out for him was no longer. That day made me look at men differently too. That no man would love me because my own father didn’t. And that I’m not worth fighting for because my own father never fought for me why anyone else would. I slowly started withdrawing from the world.
I started to make friends of my own. No one ever seemed to stay. Of course that just validated what my father had already taught me and made me isolate myself even more. Anyone that I encountered that had tendencies like my father was an instant red flag and I would keep them at distance. I didn’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of being rejected. If I didn’t let them in then it wouldn’t hurt as bad when they walked away. As I began to get older friends came and went.Trusting people was hard because it seems that no matter the sex everyone was all the same. I became a loner and told myself that I needed no one. All people did was sell me dreams and broken promises. Saying things like I would never do you like they did,” I will never leave you, “I would fight for,” and etc. Only for me to finally let my guard down and them to tear away the little hope I had left. I didn’t express how I felt because to me that was a sign of weakness.People would say tell me how you feel and I would and nothing never changed. It was a waste of breathe to me, another way to be rejected and it made feel asthough they didn’t care. I kept everything inside. I got so good at masking the hurt and pain that no one knew of the multiple attempts of the suicide or the silent tears I cried.
With friends walking away when I was sick, one failed and a toxic relationship later. I started to ask myself what was wrong with me. Each time someone walked away it felt like my father was walking away from all over again. It seemed the only thing that fought for me was the toxic thing that I knew I needed to let go of. (That’s a blog for another day) By my mid/late-twenties I had started the process of beginning to love myself. I had people that helped me along the way. I’m still a working progress. I learned that I had to fight for myself before someone else would. I began to work on myself and that was not easy. I had to be honest with myself. All I saw was the deficiencies. It’s crazy that I could tell someone else they were beautiful and encourage them but I couldn’t do the same for myself. I was treating people better than I treated myself.So I had to change how I saw myself. (Psalm 139:14) I began to work on my relationship with God. As my relationship with God started to get stronger things begin to change. The toxic relationship began to subside and I began to see things clearer. My circle of friends began to change. Friends I didn’t even know I needed. I’m able to be myself with them. God gave me want I needed and not what I thought I deserve and so much more. He showed out and gave me a man that I am not afraid to express how I feel with and feel safe with. Something I didn’t know even existed. Honestly speaking I never saw myself married. But here I am married to man who is a reflection of God’s love for me. It hasn’t been easy but it is worth it. I tell people that marriage will magnify what you need to work on. Things that you thought you had conquered before marriage or the things that you thought you were good at before marriage. Marriage will let you know immediately where improvement is needed. You just have to be willing to make the adjustments. Pray that your spouse will be understanding and patient with you while you do. That your spouse we be willing to help/love you through it, correct you with love, and encourage you as well.
Although my life has had its hardships and I’m still learning as I go. I’ve learned is to appreciate the small things. You may not be where you want to be but you not where you use to be. And at the end of day growth is growth no matter how big or small. So pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit. You are further along than what you think. I hope this encourages you.