I posed a question last week. Where do you go or what do you do when your present space is uncomfortable and the place you use to run to for comfort is no longer comforting? It’s a hard place to be in. Being home for the holidays has allowed me time to think. Also, allowed God time to deal with me on some things concerning my future. God said “No” to me on some things that I was hoping for a “Yes” on. He told me I would be forfeiting my future. In my mind, I was like God, you don’t understand (Lol…who am I to tell God He don’t understand, right) Jeremiah 29:11 I just said, okay fine…lol.
To give you a little history:
Arkansas has everything that I’m familiar with my family, my friends, etc.. Arkansas is comfort. Arkansas is a place where I saw it as having everything I needed. It was a safe haven. Here recently it has been a reminder as to why I wanted to leave when I lived there. Before I got married, I had planned to move to Florida. Florida is hot and if you know me you know I’m always cold. Secondly, Florida had a school that I was looking at to further my education in Health Science. My family didn’t want me to move there because I didn’t know anyone there and I mean not a soul. I had no family close by so if anything was to happen to me, they wouldn’t be able to get to me quickly. But I was determined to move to Florida before my lease was up. However, those plans changed. I met my husband and he lived in Atlanta. So of course, I moved to Atlanta after we were married.
Atlanta has been an adventure, that is the best way I can describe it without going into detail. As soon as we moved here (together) life and adversity met us. (That’s a blog for another day) Bear in mind that I had a lot of adjustments that I had to adapt to at one time. I had to adjust to being a wife, I didn’t have a role model to follow, so of course I was scared that I would fail. I didn’t have a mentor, nor did I have married friends. I had to adjust to living with someone. I had been single for 10 years prior to us meeting and getting married. I had to adjust to a new state and adjust not knowing anyone but my husband. The biggest adjustment was not being near my family and leaving everything I knew behind. Which I didn’t think it would be difficult because I had planned to leave anyway. At least I had my husband and wouldn’t have to go through these adjustments alone. You know the saying easier said than done.
Months passed my husband and I were having a conversation he asked, “You don’t like it here?” I asked, “Why you ask me that,” and he began to tell me his observations. I became defensive and I was like that isn’t true, but it really was. I told him I don’t hate it here, but you’re correct I don’t like it here. We’re truly opposite because when he moved here, he didn’t know many people either but he embraced it. It seemed all I was doing was fighting it. However, to me Atlanta hasn’t been kind to me since I’ve been here. Atlanta has been beating me up left and right. I had not taken in consideration on how that could have made him feel. Truthfully, I was just thinking of how I felt. As I’m writing this it made me realize how selfish I was and for that I’m sorry. I’m not a selfish person or so I thought. I’m telling you marriage will show you things about yourself that you never knew. Anyway, we recently revisited this conversation. He asked, “If I resented him for moving me here,” I quickly responded, “No.” I began to think about it some more and that answer remained the same.
The truth is I appreciate him for it. I blamed Atlanta for a lot of things and that is why I disliked it. Atlanta made me face things that I had been running from for a long time. Atlanta challenged me in a way that I wanted to punch it in its throat! Atlanta showed me that people do care about Tasha and not what I can do for them. Atlanta has strengthened my relationship with God. Atlanta has shown me that I do need community no matter how hard I’ve tried to fight it (I’m Stubborn). Atlanta forced me out of my comfort zone in every aspect of my life. I’m married to someone that loves people and I’m the total opposite (go read my previous blog and you’ll understand why). Now I’ve embraced it. Although some days are still a struggle and I don’t always get it right. I find myself loving on people I don’t even know. I reach out to people and check on them. I hold conversations with people and even share parts of my testimony with them. Things that I would never do before are now becoming a part of my new normal. I’m beginning to allow myself to trust people again. My feeling unsafe and timid around people are beginning to dissipate. I find myself looking forward to outings and not just going because people expect me to go. I started praying and asking God to transform and renew my mind. I’ve been like this for 33 years and reprogramming your mind is a process. To figure out that this whole time God has been dealing with me about me. Let me tell you I’ve been fighting it, but I never won, lol. Atlanta has made me want to be a better version of myself. I use to dislike change however, this change is imperative for my future.
A guy at my church, Chris Jones, would come up to me say, ” You know I love you right, but stop fighting God,” I never understood what he meant until now. So Arkansas, I’m BREAKING UP with you. I’ve out grown you. This time I’m taking my heart with me and I’m not turning back. I will no longer will give my new home half of me. My FUTURE needs all of me. I’ve been afraid to let you go because of what it might have meant. I’ve been afraid to let you go because I didn’t want to leave people and things behind. What you once represented is no longer. You’ve stayed the same and I’ve changed. I’ve tried to fit you into my current space and it only caused me heartache. No, you are not 100% the blame because I allowed you to stay. But TODAY I’m serving you an eviction notice. No longer will I hold myself back because I’m afraid that I will be leaving people behind. No longer will I hinder myself from being happy because I felt that being happy meant I don’t care about others. No longer will I look at my moving forward to mean that I left my family behind. Today I’m choose FREEDOM. Today I choose my FUTURE. Today I choose MYSELF!! I’m reclaiming my time. So Fare-well, Good-Bye, and So long.
For those of you who are in this current space or struggling with letting things go due to fear or comfort I encourage you to do the work and trust the process. The process will be ugly, hard and uncomfortable, but it is necessary for your future. FUTURE FOCUS
REVELATION 21:5-7 AMP And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true [they are accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy].” And He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the one who thirsts I will give [water] from the fountain of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes [the world by adhering faithfully to Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior] will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.
Jeremiah 29:11 ~‘For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord , ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope.
Romans 8:28 And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose: