My mother- in- law commented on one of my pictures recently and I quote, “You’re a survivor. If you can survived cancer you can survive anything. Love you.”
This resonated with me.
I SURVIVED IT
I SURVIVED IT = MY PARENT’S DIVORCE
I SURVIVED IT = LOW SELF ESTEEM
I SURVIVED IT = BEING TALKED ABOUT
I SURVIVED IT = MOLESTESTAION
I SURVIVED IT = SEXUAL ABUSE
I SURVIVED IT = EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I SURVIVED IT = SCHIZOPHRENIA (DIAGNOSED WHEN I WAS 11)
I SURVIVED IT = MULTIPLE ATTEMPTS OF SUCUIDE
I SURVIVED IT = DEPRESSION
I SURVIVED IT = BEING CHEATED ON
I SURVIVED IT = BEING MISUSED
I SURVIVED IT = BEING WALKED OUT ON
I SURVIVED IT = CANCER (7 YEARS)
I SURVIVED IT = MY FAILURES
I SURVIVED IT = BEING MISTREATED AND UNLOVED
I SURVIVED IT = 2018
I SURVIVED IT = ALL OF “IT”
Of course there are more things that I’ve survived that aren’t listed. When I look back and see how far I have come and what I have overcame I can’t help but to be thankful. I didn’t know where I would go when I began to write this blog it was supposed to be about my journey of surviving cervical cancer but I survived more than just cancer.
I can recall being in a sunken place about 7 years ago. I was in the process of getting ready to move to Oklahoma to help out family and to continue my education. A week before my surgery, I lost my job. I had my surgery on March 22nd and after the surgery I had to start packing to move. My lease was up at the end of April. About 2 weeks before I was to move to Oklahoma my aunt passed and that was the main reason I was going to Oklahoma. The situationship that I was in wasn’t in a good space either. I was mad at myself because I became the woman I said I would never be. I let go of my values and morals for the sake of man. I compromised so much of myself that I hardly recognized myself. Everything that I was taught growing up had went out the window. Prior to the situationship, I had promise myself that I would never loose myself in a man again and here I was following a man that wouldn’t commit to me. I allowed myself to be second and never first. I didn’t care how he was in my life just as long as he was in it. He was the first man that was there for me and made me feel appreciated. That was all that I ever wanted was to feel loved and appreciate and he gave it to me. We were never an item but I had invested years in him, all for him to give the world to someone else. That was gut puncher! So I was dealing with that, health issues and in constant pain.
Everyone in Oklahoma was either really older than I or younger than I. I felt alone. I was isolated. Depression creeped up on me. Although it appeared that I was happy I wasn’t, I was dying. The word curses that I spoke over myself… like I was unlovable, no will ever love you, you’re not beautiful, no one will ever choose you as a wife and etc. that is everything that my life experiences had taught me. I’m broken beyond repair no one will ever understand you nor be patient enough to care. A man only wants one thing from you. Suicidal thoughts began to come back. I felt that the world would be better without me and that no one would miss me. I’m no one to miss. All people do is use me and leave me. This was my mental state. I was tired of being in constant pain. I was tired of feeling like the only one that cared about me was me. I felt that God had abandon me. I would go home to visit and put on my mask like everything was ok. No one knew the hell that I was going through mentally. I was in a deep depression. It took me a year to fight my way out of it. I had to fight for my life. I had given up on everything. I stop caring. I was just existing. As I look back at how God protected me from myself. I use to drive home and think about driving off a bridge. Like who thinks like that?… but I just want you to understand how bad my mental state was. But God.
God was there all along. He was right there beside me. He was there when the tears hit my pillow at night asking him why no one loved me. I gave so much of myself only to be rejected. Being rejected by the man that say he loves you hurts. But I survived it. . How I made it out you asked? I had to make a choice. I had to own my responsibility and the choices I made. My relationship with God was almost nonexistent. I went to church off and on never consistent. I didn’t have a church home in Oklahoma. I went to church sometimes when I would visit home. Even when I did go to church I went with no expectations because I blamed God. So, I started loving myself even the parts of me that I felt that was unlovable. I started waking up choosing to be happy because only I’m responsible for my happiness. The people I allowed in my space if you didn’t add to it then I couldn’t allow you in my space. I chose me! I stopped putting others above myself. I was a people pleaser and a yes person. I would give someone my last but not myself. I started treating myself like I wanted someone to treat me and no one could out love me. I did start back working on my relationship with God. What I find interesting is though I turned my back on God he didn’t turn his back on me. God sustained me. God kept me. God was there. He loved me even when I didn’t love myself. His love for me is unconditional. I shouldn’t be here but yet and still I’m still here. I Survived It!
I don’t share my journey because I want sympathy. I share this because it’s a part of my healing process and I hope that sharing parts of my story helps someone. To the one that thinks they are alone, You’re not! Hebrews 13:5, “Let your character [your moral essence, your inner nature] be free from the love of money [shun greed–be financially ethical], being content with what you have; for He has said, “I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” For the one that feels unloved. You’re loved. God’s love for us is relentless and reckless. There isn’t anything that you can do that will stop God from loving you. God loves you so much that he gave his only son. John 3:16. To the one that is tired of being strong. Isaiah 40:29, “He gives strength to the weary, And to him who has no might He increases power.” Draw your strength from him. You don’t have to fight your battles by yourself. Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you while you [only need to] keep silent and remain calm.” I pray that whatever you are facing you stay encouraged. Don’t give up and even if you have a moment don’t stay there too long. FIGHT! FIGHT for yourself! FIGHT for your future. FIGHT for the version of yourself that you know you can be. FIGHT because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to be the best version of yourself because of what you SURVIVED!