When this title first came to mind, I wanted to go in-depth about how sexual abuse at young age caused me to hate my body. How I blamed my body for what happened to me. As a young lady, like most young girls experience their body going through changes. I realized that my body attracted unwanted attention, touches and comments. It made me feel like a piece of meat and that people only saw my body and nothing else. Which caused me to want to keep myself covered. I became a tom boy. I wore baggy clothes. I sagged, wore boxer shorts and three pair of socks. I kept my hair short or always had braids. Honestly I didn’t take pride in how I looked. I hid anything that would attract any boy/man to me. I was shy, quiet and reserved. You think I’m reserved now you should have seen me in my youth. What you see now is growth. As I began to get older and started to dress more feminine I still hid my body. Even now you will see me with a jacket or a long cardigan. It’s a security blanket. People believe that when I’m dressed up, with make-up and in heels that I feel the most confident. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I feel naked and exposed. Give me a wife beater, basketball shorts, and converses now we talking.
Now here we are….
These past months you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been M.I.A. So many things have transpired in this first quarter that I had to take some time for myself. (I’m still taking that time) Writing is an outlet for me.I began to wonder what else I have covered myself up with besides clothes. What else have I used as a security blanket, comfort and etc. I started having an honest conversation with myself. I’ve covered up my shame, guilt, humiliation, sexual abuse, abandonment, and daddy issues with mistakes and some of the decisions I’ve made that I’m not proud of. Things that I told myself I would never be/do and still ended up being/doing just that. Covered myself up with the word curses I had spoken over myself, as well as, others. Covered myself with the negative ways that I had seen myself, the rejection, and the brokenness. The list can go on and on. These are some of things that helped shaped me into who I am now. Some are good characteristics and some aren’t. Some shaped the way I think and how I process things. Yes, there are good things that I’m covered up with, but these things are what come to mind.
I’ve been doing a heart check (assessing my soil). I asked myself, Who is La Tasha? Although things have happened to me, whether I allowed them or not, they aren’t who am. They are just apart of my story and what makes me unique. Throughout my life with each hardship, tragedy, or event it just added another layer. It made it hard for me to see myself differently. My identity and how I identified myself was connected to my trauma. Even though I moved on, push through and overcame the obstacles some residue still stayed. I thought I had taken off the majority of my layers. Truthfully, I just dealt with the surface level things and not the root. Life has a funny way of showing you that you still have some work to do. That you need to dig a little deeper and stop running. For me, that was taking away everything familiar, removing all of my comfort zones and then on top of that flip my world upside down. You’re left with no place to run, self-reflecting and just looking at yourself like wth? That’s been me this first quarter of the year….lol! You’ve heard the saying, “Trust the process” heck I’ve said it in one of my previous blogs, to others and myself. Lets just be honest the PROCESS sucks. It make you question your entire life. For me it seems that I have lost more than I’ve gained. You began to learn more about yourself as well as others. It challenges so much of you that you want to quit and say forget it. Yet, somehow you keep going because you know that there’s more to you than those traumatic events that happened. It’s time for me to stop hiding under the layers. It’s time for me to truly uncover who I am because there is definitely more to me than just the events that caused me to see just the jagged the pieces of myself.
I’ve decided to be intentional about my healing this year. I’ve started counseling. I’m taking the time to uncover ever layer that I’ve allowed to weigh me down. The layers that I’ve carried that I put down went back and picked back up. This time I won’t be picking them back up. I’m digging a little deeper. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. It will hurt and I’m sure I will hate it. There will be good and bad days. Mistakes will be made and I will have to learn to forgive myself quickly. I may stumble but I won’t allow myself to stay there. So what have you covered yourself up with? Is it loneliness? Feeling unloved and unwanted? Is self-doubt? Afraid to Succeed? I want to motivate and encourage you to start uncovering. As I/we go through this process, understand that people may not be as patient with you or show you grace as you would them. Don’t allow that to be an excuse or cause you not to become the best you. Let’s do this together. What are you uncovering this year? Let me know in the comments or when you share this post. #Uncovering.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 1:12-14 (MSG)
“Now that the worst is over, we’re pleased we can report that we’ve come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world—and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn’t by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised. Don’t try to read between the lines or look for hidden meanings in this letter. We’re writing plain, unembellished truth, hoping that you’ll now see the whole picture as well as you’ve seen some of the details. We want you to be as proud of us as we are of you when we stand together before our Master Jesus. “
Revelation 12:11 (KJV)
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”
Psalm 94:16-19 (MSG) “Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. “