Often times we talk about how people have done us wrong. What about how you mistreated, mishandled or caused someone pain? What if you are the counterfeit or the mistake to someone else? What if you are the one that caused someone to put a wall back up, slip or to not trust again? What if after they told you their story you turned around and did the exact thing the very last person did? What if you were the toxic person in their life? What if you are the one that caused people to think twice about letting you in their personal space? What if you are the one that caused their tears and heartache? What if you are the one that made them not want to try again? What if you are the one they feel dropped them? What if you are the culprit? What if you were the (betrayer) their Judas? What if you are the one that they feel you abandoned and rejected them? What if you are the one they feel is holding them back or they regretted? Of course, this list can continue. We’ve all been someone’s bad decision/choice.
Why do I bring this up? Well, this blog is about my truth, my life experiences the good and the bad. I’ve learned because of my reserved nature, that a person’s label or perception of me is very interesting. When I was younger, people’s perception of me was that I was “miss goody to shoes”..lol. That I was square and didn’t do anything, I try to make myself seem innocent. This one was the funniest, that I try to play the victim. In my mind, I’m saying, I didn’t introduce myself to you as Tasha the innocent nor Tasha the I don’t do anything or make mistakes. That is how you labeled/perceived me. I do try not to make mistakes nor do it intentionally seek to hurt people. I’m not perfect, I’m human. I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of. Some of those not so proud moments are more recent than I would like to admit. No one ever wants to be the cause of some the things I listed above (or pain) the truth of the matter is that it happens. My most recent mistakes, bad decision, and choices made me be like Tasha now what in the hell? This is not you. Why did you do this? It made me look at myself differently. It made me not trust myself. I was already kind of withdrawn but this made me even more of a recluse. It made me question my character. I was disappointed in myself and shame manifested big time. Thoughts of this is why people this and this why people that. I don’t blame them for wanting to… or maybe they were right about….. This is why this happened.. (I’m thinking that if I feel this way about myself then I know that the person and the people connected to them probably saying or feel the same if not worse..) And why wouldn’t they. You never know how one bad decision or mistake can affect people. It can cause people to see you differently, question your character and etc. You will find yourself replaying it in your head over and over. Thinking of how you wish you would have made the correct choice to begin with or handled the situation differently. What if I would have….but you didn’t. Now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Own your mistake. Which pretty much sucks. You can make plenty of excuses as to why you made the decision. In the end you made it and there isn’t an excuse that will take back the grief you caused. Apologize be sincere about it. Pray that the people that you hurt will be able to forgive you. Pray that you will be able to forgive yourself.
Forgiving myself is something that I’ve struggled with. The feeling of guilt, shame, humiliation, remorse and most of all that I disappointed God. I felt that I was unworthy of His love because of the things that I’ve done in my life. It made it difficult for me to pray. I became inconsistent with my relationship with God. I felt like I failed Him and I didn’t know how to approach Him after my fall. That God wouldn’t accept me. That oh no you can’t come back from this mistake Tasha.(Which is not true but that’s how I felt) It’s no different with your relationships or friendships that you develop and you wrong a person. I was confronted with not so good things about myself. I hate confrontation. So imagine having to confront yourself with the negative characteristics about yourself. It’s hard and no one wants to admit that they messed up. Although you doing it in private doesn’t make it less uncomfortable. You’re harder on yourself than you are on others, at least I am. Going to counseling has put the spot light on some things. I’m still holding myself captive, in bondage and hostage with the things that I found unforgiveable in my mind. The same way we have to forgive others repeatedly, I have to do the same for myself. Daily I have to remind myself that I am not my mistakes. That I am still a good person. That God still loves me and theirs nothing I can do that will change that. (Romans 8:35-39) We’ve all made mistakes. Don’t allow those things to consume you. Learn from it so you don’t have to repeat them. Trust me, some lessons come with a mighty price and you may have to endure more than you planned. This season of lessons that I have had to endure, I don’t want to repeat ever again! It’s been one of the hardest season’s that I’ve had to face. I asked God to reveal what I needed to learn so that I do not repeat it. Geesh. Therefore, stop looking at people’s life and thinking they have it all together. That they are perfect and don’t go through hardships or make mistakes. God didn’t promise us a life without trials and tribulations. Yes, people are going to talk about you so what else is new. They’re going to talk regardless. You hold your head high, pick yourself back up and forgive yourself. You’re still God’s masterpiece! (Eph 2:10) God still has a plan for you and still can use you. You are not your mistakes. Encouraging you while I encourage myself.
Act 3:19, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ” Romans 8:39, “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.