I can recall one morning waking up in tears. I felt alone and needed a hug. I needed to feel that someone was there for me and cared. I struggled to get out the bed this particular morning. I was contemplating whether or not I was going to call out for work. I decided to go. I walked to the bathroom so that I can start preparing for my day. I took a glimpse in the mirror (I looked a mess) I was like; girl there isn’t anything that’s going to help you…lol (I can laugh about it now) I looked in the mirror and began to say to myself, “Tasha, I love you!” I kept repeating it, Tasha, I love you! Tears began to flow (as they are now as I’m writing this). It was hard for me to believe or even hear those words, Tasha, I love you! As if it was foreign to me. I stood there with my arms wrapped around me telling myself, “Tasha, I love you!” I didn’t look away. By this time I’m trying not to break down (Because who’s going to pick me up off this floor) Keith Sweat voice, “Nobody”… Not only that, but I needed to get ready for work. While getting ready I was wondering how I was going to make it through the day. I’m sure you can remember a day that you felt like no one loved you or that no one will love you. Your insecurities speaking loud and negative thoughts began to circle your mind. You felt unlovable.
I’ve struggled with feeling unlovable throughout my life. I wondered why anyone would choose to love someone like me. Growing up I knew that my family loved me. But I wanted someone outside of family to love me because they had to choose/decide to love me. They had a choice. I grew up in the church and was taught that God loves me. Singing songs about how much God love me, yet I struggled to believe He did. With all the things that occurred in my life how could He? If God loved me why did He allow this to happen, etc. My perception of a father was jacked up because of the view of my natural father. How could God love me when my own father didn’t? I tried to fill that void. People’s love for me was conditional. I felt that the only reason why people loved me is because of what I could do for them. I became a pleaser. I would go above and beyond for individuals receiving nothing in return. I just want their love which came with empty promises of, “I’ll never leave you” or “I will love you always.” I just wanted them to love me and accept me for who I was flaws and all. No matter how good I was to them, supported them, or treated them it was never good enough. For some, once I stopped doing for them so did their love. Questions like, “Dang what is it about me that’s so unlovable?” Am I that much of a bad person? Why does noone love me? After seeing a repeated cycle I came to the conclusion that maybe it was me. I was like a repellent. I stop allowing people to get close to me. I stop having expectations of people. I expected people not to love me because after all, that was what my life experiences had taught me. So when people did I didn’t believe them. It was hard to receive love because after all I was unlovable.
Over time I began to love myself. We all heard that if you don’t love yourself no one else will. I did just that learned and began to love me. Which took some time for me to do. After falling in love with myself it didn’t change my view that people would choose to love me. As you know I began to work on my relationship with God. It wasn’t that I was unaware that God loved me because I been told that all my life. This time I began seek for myself how much God loves me, instead going off of what I was told. Yes, he had demonstrated His love for me throughout my life, but again my view on love was jaded. I learned the reasons why I rejected God’s love and why it was hard for me to see Him as my Father. Why would He love me after I rejected Him over and over again? The relationship between He and I was one sided the majority of the time. I was hot and cold. I did this and that. He won’t forgive me for that. So let’s just say that it has been a process trying to see God as Father. I don’t even call my own dad Father.
My current life events triggered the feeling of being unlovable more than ever. My prayer’s have been, “God help my unbelief. That He would saturate me with His love. That He show me His love in a way that I will never doubt or question it again. Show me how a father should love a daughter.” On March 6th, I was having a hard day one of my friend’s text me this below:
The funny thing is that the scripture she sent was a scripture that was difficult to receive because of a memory attached to it. It was ironic that God would use that same scripture to remind me about love. That scripture still holds true regardless of how I remembered it once being said to me. That love is patient and love is kind. I experience God’s love like I never had before. I’m sure people on the Marta was looking at me crazy because the tears were falling from my face and I couldn’t stop them. God poured His love on me. I just basked in it. It was an encounter that I can’t explain or describe. I cried for hours because I never felt a love like this before. After I gathered myself I remember feeling like the heaviest that I felt was lifted. I told my mom that an exchanged had happened as I tried to articulate what had transpired. This encounter of God’s love was needed. He was preparing me for what was to come 5 days later. He knew I needed to feel his love in this way to make it through one of the worst days of my life.
You are not unlovable. God loves you! One encounter with God/God’s love will change your life. Resurrection Sunday is a perfect example of how much God loves us/me/you. It was his love for us that kept him on the cross. He loves you even when you abandoned and rejected him. He loves you even when you don’t love yourself. His love is reckless. He adores you. You are precious in his sight. Nothing can change God’s love for you. There’s nothing you can do that will separate you from the love of God. God’s love is unconditional. I know that you may find it hard to believe at times as you can see that I struggle with it. But once you experience/encounter God’s love or allow God to love on you. You’ll experience a love like no other. Nothing or no one can compare to love that God has for you. Understand that you are not unlovable but loved.
Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG
But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end-Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.