If you have been following my blog you’ll see that I’ve struggled with seeing myself as beautiful. From being teased about my gap as an adolescent, feeling like the ugly duckling in my family, the sexual abuse and the absentee father. All of that made me see myself differently. That shaped a false perception of who I was. Failed relationships (cheating, etc) and men objectifying my body that made believe that my body was all there was to me. Only affirming the cloudy view that I had of myself. I even felt like the ugly friend amongst the women that I called my close/best friend. These life events altered how I saw myself and what I deemed as “beautiful.” La Tasha is Beautiful was the biggest lie.
I’m sure you can recall what caused you to alter the way you see yourself. You will find that it is easier to believe the lie than the truth. When people would utter the words “You’re Beautiful” to me, in my mind they were lying and I would actually get upset. Every girl wants to hear their mother call them beautiful, but even when she would say those words to me I doubted them. Why would anyone see me as “beautiful?” My response when someone would say it to me was never thank you, it was; if you say so, no response at all, or my face would give away what I really thought (if you know me than you know my face needs deliverance). The self-hatred that I had for myself and my body reflected. Luke 6:45, “for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Boy did it ever, although I was quiet, I was angry, spoke negatively and my attitude was horrible. (Just ask some people). If I’m to be honest my appearance was half of the battle. It was my life events that had me convinced that nothing about me was Beautiful. I often wondered if people that told me I was beautiful only seen my outer layer and not what was within.
What I’m learning is that my scars/beauty marks are Beautiful. Every traumatic event left their own scars. Some scars were/are just scratches, some cut/hurt a little more, some of us keep pulling the scab off once it appears to have healed and others are so deep that stiches or surgery is required, but even they are Beautiful. My beauty marks made me feel dirty/ugly. I felt that when people looked at me that is all they could see. They saw the damaged, broken, unperfected, flawed, and prejudged me. I felt that no one would ever see me and if they got close enough or if I shared too much the parts of me that they saw as beautiful would become unattractive. So, as precaution I wouldn’t allow people to get close me. For those that I allowed my walls to come down I was afraid that they wouldn’t see me beyond the things I shared. The things I shared about my past, the brokenness and other things. Which is why I love hard and love people the way I do. I love them for who they are and not just the person that they show the world but the pieces that they don’t want the world to see. I love them right where they are because that’s how I want to be loved. I want to be able to stand in front of someone naked (not physically) and they see me as beautiful with every scar exposed.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” What happens when you can’t see the beauty due to the debris blocking your view? You can see others people story as beautiful, but not your own.” In my recent blogs you keep seeing me write/say due to my current life events but I would never state what that was. I recently went through a divorce. It’s still hard for me to utter those words, but it’s my truth. I’m still in disbelief that it’s a part of my narrative. I never wanted “divorce” attached to my name. I never wanted to be a part of the repeated cycle/generational curse in my family, but I am. Why do I share this intimate detail with you? Because it caused me to reshape how I seen/saw myself. I felt shameful, like damaged goods, like a failure, unclean, unbeautiful, unattractive, undesirable, and the list can go on. When people would see me they would greet me with, “Hey Beautiful,” “Hey Pretty Girl, “or “Hi Gorgeous,” Although my response was different and I would say thank you. Deep down that’s not how I felt and it was hard for me to receive it. Even now there are days where I find it hard to believe. I wanted say to them do you not see the how dirty I am? Do you see how ugly and shattered I am? What was once smooth now has jagged pieces that you may get cut if you stare/touch me too long. My outer layer is/was dressed up pretty nice but inwardly I am/was in shambles. There wasn’t anything beautiful about me. This beauty mark requires surgery. I’ve been put back on the Potter’s wheel again (Jer 18:6) so that He can mold me and redefine how I see me. As the clay is being wiped from my eyes and my vision is beginning to get clearer what I once seen as filth is starting to change. No matter how ugly this is or how I may see it, it’s a Beauty Mark. In Isaiah 61:3 it says that, “you will get beauty for your ashes,” I have to believe that something beautiful is on the other side of this.
So, let me remind you just like I have to constantly remind myself that, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! When people say those words to me now I take it as a reminder of how God sees me. He calls me BEAUTIFUL! Everything about me he sees it as beautiful.
Psalm 139: 14, “Fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Proverbs 3:15, “You’re more precious than rubies.”
Ephesians 2:10, “For you are God’s Masterpiece.”
Songs of Solomon 4:7, “ You are altogether beautiful.”
1 Peter 2:9, “You’re Royalty, God’s special possession.”
These are just a few scriptures. Don’t allow your circumstances to cloud how beautiful you are. Don’t allow people or even yourself have you questioning your beauty. Yes, I know it is easier said than done. It’s indeed a challenge as you can see but no matter how we see ourselves God sees us as BEAUTIFUL. You are the daughter of the most high. If God our Father see us as beautiful knowing that we may fail, that we may fall short and make mistakes. Knowing that we may abandon Him or even reject Him, He still hasn’t changed His mind about us/you/me.
Who are we not to see ourselves as He does and that’s “BEAUTIFUL”.