At the beginning of the year I wrote blog titled, “Tasha, Get up!” It was during the time when everything going on in my life was fresh. My husband at the time had walked out the door and, simultaneously, so did everyone else. Everything I tried to build came crashing down. My life was in shambles and I was in a bad space.
“Tasha, Get Up,” was something I told myself everyday although nothing in me wanted to. I had to remind myself I had something to live for. Truthfully, I appeared to be up but I wasn’t. I was “Walking” dead. Why do I bring this up? About a month ago, someone committed suicide in the parking garage at my job. This young man was about my age and had just lost his job. This sad tragedy triggered me. If you follow my blog you know that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and almost succeed in taking my own life. The crazy part about this trigger is that I didn’t have to think back to far. From about January to May of this year, these thoughts came back with vengeance. I was literally fighting for my life and my sanity.
I contemplated whether or not to share this. I was originally going to do a video on this because every time I tried to write about it I couldn’t. Since I’m off social media here I am sharing it with you guys on my blog. I’m sure we all can recall something taking us back to a space/place that we don’t want to “Re-Live.” I found myself in tears thinking about the fact that I was thinking of taking my life again and God’s Grace.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to ever get back to this space again because I recalled how hard I fought to get where I was. Nevertheless, here I was in the place which felt familiar but somehow it wasn’t. This pain hit me at my core. This pain was something I once read about or seen in a movie but this time it was my life. My hope depleted, my will to live gone, my dreams disappeared before my eyes and on top of that I didn’t even know or recognize who I was anymore.
I want you to know that depression and being suicidal don’t have a look. Here are photos of me looking like I was ok. In each one of these photos was a woman “Walking” dead and had no desire to live. I put on mask and dressed my outside very well. Inwardly, I longed for someone to see me and see the pain I was in. I longed for someone to show up at my door and remind me I was not alone. I felt invisible. I felt no one cared that I was dying on the inside. Thoughts of “who’s going to miss you?” “You’re forgettable,” or “You’re a nuisance to everything and everyone” plagued me.
When my marriage failed, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I blamed myself for my marriage failing. I felt like a fool to believe someone would ever love me. It seems everything I once believed about myself was true. I was damage goods. I’m unlovable, not worth fighting for, and ugly. The confidence I once had in myself was gone. I felt unattractive and undesirable. This list can go on and on. As you see, I didn’t see myself as good. It seemed everything about me that was good and I once loved about myself no longer existed. All I saw was the bad. I didn’t trust myself anymore. I didn’t trust people or God. I felt God had abandoned me, didn’t care about me and didn’t keep His promise.
I was angry. I was un-fixable. Surely this time the damaged couldn’t be repaired. I had given up so much already and I had lost even more. Who was this person I saw in the mirror every day? I was constantly reminded of what was every day because I lived in the home I once shared with the man I loved. I needed a friend but when I looked up all there was, was me. I felt alone. I felt like an outcast and rejected. I felt dirty and ashamed. I started to withdraw, shut down and isolate myself.
I want you to understand the head space I was in. So, you can understand the depth of how hard I had fight for my life. If you knew all my story then you would understand how much this hurt me. I still struggle trying to articulate the depths of the hurt I felt this year.
I’m sure people were praying for me knowingly and unknowingly. However, I needed something more. I needed someone to be there with me physically. I was going to counseling during this time and although it was helpful, I still felt empty. Over time, I stopped talking because I felt people couldn’t handle all of me and expected me to be over what had transpired. I silenced my voice. It seemed I was talking but no one was listening. People had words but no actions. I couldn’t handle being mishandled again in the state I was in. My wall went back up completely. I couldn’t see past my pain, hurt, or my brokenness.
Now, what I found interesting is that when the urges to end it all was extremely high, I told the devil my life wouldn’t be taken by my own hands. He should have taken me out when I was younger. I have too much to live for. Ironic, right? Although I didn’t have a clue what I was living for, I knew my life wouldn’t end by suicide. I would tell him this every time the urge was great. See, I still spoke life over myself although my will to live was low. We’ve all been there when the circumstances we’ve faced seemed greater than us and even God. We’ve taken our focus off God and allowed our thoughts to cycle every negative thing instead of what God says.
Since I was angry with God, my prayer life was nonexistent. God and I were “beefin” (to me). When I would tell people that, they would laugh at me. Even when I wanted to pray I couldn’t. Due to the negative view I had of God it was difficult to see him as the Good, Good Father He was/is. Even though I couldn’t pray I found myself at His feet. I opened my mouth but no words would come out. All I could do was cry. I allowed my tears and my screams to speak for me. I cried for hours daily in His presence. That was all I had to give.
I wanted to walk away from God and church. I didn’t feel worthy of God’s love. I didn’t feel worthy to be in His presence. Look at me; what did I have to offer Him? I was too broken and shattered to be before Him. How could God love me? When in the midst of my anger, my thoughts towards Him wasn’t pleasant. I felt like a bad person and my actions towards Him were dishonorable. I walked away from Him. I willingly rejected and abandoned Him. Somehow, in those attempts to walk away, instead of getting further from God I was becoming closer. I knew I needed God. God was the only one who could heal me and transform my mind.
Knowing that I needed God and allowing Him to be God is two different things. It’s even more difficult when you see Him through a cloudy lens. It was hard for me to give God one more try. To trust Him with my life and my heart. However, who was I going to trust (crazy I know, right)? Out of God’s hands, my life surely was in danger. It’s by God’s grace that I am still here and in my right mind. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Every time I walked away God welcomed me back with open arms.
There were days I told God, “You have to take the steps for me, because I can’t go on.” He literally guided my footsteps. God protected me from me. Each day was a struggle, but I chose to fight. On the days I felt like giving up or couldn’t go on, God was mindful of me. He would send people my way to encourage me, to push me and remind not to give up. To remind me that “This Will Not Kill Me.” I would tell myself I couldn’t die here nor get stuck.
When I felt unloved, I would read Isaiah 43:1-7 in the Message Bible to remind me of how much God loves me. I would hold myself and repeat over and over, “Tasha, I love you.” He also sent me someone I could share intimate details with and was a safe place. I will forever be grateful for her. On May 19, I decided to rededicated my life back to Christ. I wrote a letter to God and we had a conversation on the way to the church. When I got baptized it was a declaration. They sung “Glorious Day” which was so befitting because that’s exactly what I did. “I ran out of my grave,” God still telling me, “Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” (Tasha, Get Up) Mark 5:41. I wish I could tell you I don’t still struggle, but that’s not true. However, I’m not where I use to be. Although I don’t understand why I had to endure the things I did this year, I know one thing for sure – God doesn’t waste an experience.
I hope reading this encourages you in some way. If you feel depressed or having suicidal thoughts, I want to admonish you to reach out for help. Know that you’re not alone and things do get better. I’m living proof that it does. The things I lost are being built back up. My joy is returning. Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! (Ps 126:5) I’m being molded back together. I’m allowing God to be the potter and not man or even myself. I want see myself like God sees me and allow Him to show me what real love is so that I can love freely and without restrictions.
I want to encourage you that if you see someone hurting or know someone is going through a difficult time check on them. A simple, “I’m just checking on you,” or “you good?” can go a long way. You never know what this simple gesture could do for that person. Going through this has sparked something in me. I want to be for others what I needed someone to be for me. Yea that is big, but I take it one day at a time. It pulls me out my comfort zone, but being uncomfortable for a moment to love on someone is bigger than my discomfort. 🙄 Know that you are loved, important and you and what you carry is needed in the world.
As Promised my second blog post. Thanks for taking the time to read it . I hope you enjoyed it. Happy Holidays!