Have you ever been in a good place mentally and emotionally? Everything seems to be looking up, and things are moving at a steady pace. You’re not where you thought you would be, but you’re making good strides towards your goals. Your head is finally above water, and you can breathe just a little? You’re winning in life (LOL). Then out of nowhere, you find tears streaming down your face. You find it difficult to focus and struggle to get through the day. You’re asking yourself what is going on I was just okay?
It feels like all the work I just did was just surface, and I need to dig a little deeper. This pandemic has challenged me mentally and emotionally. It has been challenging to adjust to my new norm. My home is my safety net, my refuge, a place where I decompress from my day. However, I work from home, and now I’m like where is my release. When I get frustrated with work-home has always been a place where I can forget about it, and now I’m home 24/7. I’m still trying to adjust. Pray for me. You girl is struggling.
I’ve always been transparent about my journey. It seems this repeat offender has a habit of resurfacing. Its something I’ve always struggled with, but here lately, it’s has become more robust. What you ask the feeling of not being “ENOUGH.” It’s easy to regurgitate I am enough because it’s something you have become accustomed to saying. However, when you’re saying it, you don’t believe it. It’s easier to believe the negative things, and on top that life has proven, it’s true. For me, last year solidified it. My past and present collided. The collision/impact was excruciating. The things from the past I hadn’t dealt with and my present echoing so loudly. My present saying, see I told you weren’t worthy of this and my past saying when are you going to learn. You didn’t determine this the last time it occurred or that other time? You didn’t believe the others, so why would you think this time would be different? I’m damaged goods because my innocence was taken away. Your own father walked away from you and didn’t fight for you why would anyone else? Do you not remember when your first boyfriend cheated on you? Do you not remember the last situationship where you could have been a sister wife? Do you not remember him choosing someone else over you. You’ll always be someone’s second choice. Do you not remember giving your all and still getting nothing in return? Do you not remember the constant rejections? Do not recall any of this?
Look at you now? The outcome was the same; you still ended up alone. You failed. You even ended up like your family repeating the same cycle—the shame of it all. Every label seemed visible, and that’s all anyone saw, including me.
This place felt familiar, but yet different at the same time. Trying to combat the lies with the truth but it fell on death ears. I couldn’t see past my pain. People are trying to remind me of what God says about me, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. Me: God, how could you? Didn’t you hear my prayers? Did you not see my tears? Why didn’t you come to see about me? Where were you? I needed you. Your word says, “you will never leave me nor forsake me,” but why do I feel like you abandon me.
As you can see, I felt low. What was good about me? Nothing, It appeared that it didn’t matter how good I was; it was never good enough. My heart, dreams, and hope had been trampled on. I started questioning everything about me. Was I not a good person? Maybe I am ugly. I felt unattractive. I didn’t feel sexy, and I felt undesirable. Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t anyone love me? Was I that bad of a person? What’s crazy is these things began to creep back in my mind. I find myself saying maybe I’m not worthy of love. I find myself questioning my heart and wondering what do people see when they look at me. I find myself getting mad because I want to be like everyone else. Why did God make me this way?
It’s easy to dwell on the negative things you’ve said and others. It’s easy to harbor on the disappointments, failed relationships/friendships, mistakes, and bad decisions. But guess what even then you were still enough. Throughout every phase, journey, valley, and season of your life, you were always enough.
God Reminds Me
I’ve always been ENOUGH has been echoing in my head. Even when I didn’t value myself, I was enough. The same way money doesn’t lose it’s value just because it’s filthy, been mishandled, stomped on, torn edges, been misplaced, shriveled up, etc. I never lost my worth just because I didn’t see it or when others didn’t. My value didn’t change due to my scars. God reminded me he left the 99 to come and get me (Matt 18:12). That’s how precious I am to him (Is 43:4). I didn’t choose God, but He chose me. (John 15:16).
When I willingly walked away, he’s there patiently waiting for me to return. God knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, and he set me apart (Jer 1:5). You see, I was born Unique. There isn’t anyone like me. I’m one of a kind. I’m chosen. (1 Peter 2:9) God reminded me I’m more precious than rubies (Ps 3:15). I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 149:14) I’m beautiful in every way (Song of Songs 4:7 NLT) I’m God’s accomplishment (Eph 2:10 CEB) God knows me by name and call me his (Is 43:1) Just because my value and my worth decreases in someone’s life it never did/have by God. He still sees me same. He’s love never waivers for me. His word says, “Nothing can separate me from him.” (Romans 8:35-39) His love doesn’t come with conditions. He loves me for who I am and who I’m becoming. He loves me in my mess and through my processes. He’s patient with me and extends grace. He loves me, regardless of what I’ve done. Why do we struggle with this feeling of not being not Enough? When God shows/tells us his thoughts towards us and who we are to him. I’m enough because God says I am.
My Daily Prayer“God help me to see myself the way you see me.”
Help my unbelief (Mark 9:24)
I hope this encourages you and resonates with you. You are Enough! Sometimes we need a reminder and something to combat the lies of the enemy. Repeat these things until you start to believe them about yourself. Stand on what God says you are and not anyone else. Yes, I know it’s hard because you have to change your perspective about how you see yourself. You have to reprogram your mind because, for too long, you’ve told yourself you weren’t good enough or worthy. I get it, and I can relate. This is something I have to daily. People are fickle and how they see you can/will change. But God doesn’t! So, don’t allow anyone to determine your worth or be your validation. Allow God to validate you!
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